stacey H

BA Public Relations ('14)

Describe your experience post-BYU

I came out after I graduated. I think a lot of times we hear things like “Wickedness never was happiness,” and we put our sexuality in this category of wickedness, if you aren’t straight. I was kind of scared that when I came out after graduation—it was a couple years after—that I was going to try it out and discover wickedness. There’s also the scripture “by your fruits, ye shall know them,” and what I found was that the more I embraced who I was, the happier I became and the more I could help other people. It’s like the airplane analogy. If the airplane is going down, you have to put your protective equipment on first before helping anyone else. Because if you get knocked out, not only are you out, but you can’t help anyone else. I was finding that I was finally giving myself oxygen, in a way that I never did. I was finding that fire and passion for life was starting to roar.

When did you first realize you were queer?

I talk about it like I talk about faith. In the LDS faith, faith can be like a switch going on, and the light is on, or faith can be like the slow rising of the sun. I think mine was like the slow rising of the sun. When I was younger, I knew something was different, and I knew it was bad, but I didn’t really have words for it. Over time, I got a couple more clues and a couple more hints and I knew, eventually, “Oh. I struggle with same-gender attraction. But it’s a phase, maybe it’ll go away once I kiss a girl.” (Didn’t happen, reader, didn’t happen.) Over time, eventually by the time that I got back from my mission and it was then time for me to “multiply and replenish the Earth,” the sun had risen. I analyzed the facts, I looked at it, and I acknowledged at that point—let’s put a word to this.

How did you come out?

I came out four years after I graduated. I graduated in winter of 2014, and then I came out in 2018. Between that time, I was working on a show called Studio C that was growing in popularity, coming close to two million subscribers on the channel. I felt a lot of pressure from this community. I didn’t want to let people down—the audience and the people I was working with. I didn’t want to lose everything I worked for. But at that point, I couldn’t keep it all to myself anymore. I just couldn’t and be healthy and happy. So I came out in December 2018. I wrote a Facebook and Instagram post. I revised and edited those posts for a month. I put them out online and the response wasn’t as bad as I thought. I prepped for a month, but I had some great support. It was a pretty positive response.

Why did you choose to go to BYU?

I grew up in a poor family, and I was going to go into the military. Then BYU came out of nowhere with a great and affordable education. An answer to my prayers.

What’s a pleasant experience you had at BYU?

I had a really good time at BYU. I really loved BYU. I had a lot of awesome opportunities. I met a lot of fun people. I had a lot of fun. I felt very prepared to jump into the professional world. My BYU experience was great. But I also wasn’t grappling with my sexuality while at BYU. I had stuffed it away. I was living my best life in other ways.

What was a difficult thing to deal with at BYU?

I wasn’t grappling with my sexuality—like are you or aren’t you—because I had stuffed it down. Which turned out to be a really bad thing to do. I was grappling with how I was going to fit into this mold—that was the tough part. I believed, at the time, that my sexuality was wrong, so I needed to figure out how to fit into that mold. I got pretty close to marrying some women. But I prayed about it, telling God that I couldn’t just experiment with a woman and hope it worked out. If it was something God wanted me to do, God had to help me. I was doing everything I could. Over and over again, I felt like I was hitting walls. I was trying to fit this mold about what it meant to grow in the LDS faith and to be a contributing, happy member of the Church. And it felt like doors were closing on me—which was tough. I did eventually land on the “I guess I’ll just be lonely my entire life,” which was also terrible.

What does your spirituality look like today?

One of the cool things about coming out in a community where it doesn’t feel like it’s conventional or like it’s the paved way to be happy—it really forced me to rely on the Lord. I hopped off the beaten path because I couldn’t walk on it anymore, and I needed God’s support because I was going into uncharted territory for me. It actually forced me to strengthen my personal relationship with God and how I see God. It wasn’t about religion; it was more about my spirituality and my personal connection with God. Which was a really cool opportunity. It was tough, but it was really beautiful and I learned a lot of things. I’m in a way better place. I feel like I’m way happier, way more whole. Life’s not perfect. It’s not like it’s easier—in some ways it’s easier—I just feel more whole, more capable.

Answers to the questions are transcribed from Stacey’s video interview and lightly edited for clarity.

Posted March 2021