Liz W

BYU-Idaho, Theatre & English Education (‘12)

When did you first think you were queer?

Probably like middle school is when I realized that the thoughts and feelings that I had about girls were real similar to the ones that I had about boys. For a long time, probably until like the middle of college, I was like, “No, I’m straight. That was a fluke and so was that one. And that one also, and also that other one.” Until realizing there’s a pattern here. That means you’re probably bi.

How did you eventually come out to yourself?

The students at BYU or BYU Idaho or other church schools may recognize the experience of having a crush on a roommate, and the really awful, kind of complicated feelings that sort of go along with that. There’s sometimes the sense of like, “Oh, well this is a temptation, so I’ll stay away from it,” but when you live with the temptation, it’s difficult. So I think around that time, I was like, “I think we’ve got to face the music here.”

Describe your coming out experience.

Coming out has been a real gradual experience. I feel like I’ve never had one particular event. If social media had been around when I was younger, I would have been like, “Here’s an announcement: I am queer.” But it just started, I think, kind of in little steps, that I remember really clearly, writing a journal entry, and being like, “This is something I never planned on acting on, so it doesn’t even matter. But I want to say it out loud that I occasionally have had crushes on girls before.”

And it turned into confiding in one person and then kind of confiding in another, and then now I feel like I don’t ever come out any more. It’s just sort of something that maybe will come up in conversation.

Describe your current sense of spirituality.

I’ve talked before about how sometimes there are aspects of the religion that ask you to cut out a part of yourself. And that’s like, it’s like you’re making a Horcrux, you know? That you have to kill some part of your soul in order to have eternal life, but you’re not whole. And I feel like the spirituality that I have now and the belief in God that I have now allows me to be whole in a way that is much deeper and more fulfilling than it was before.

When I was at a church school, I was very religious. The God I believe in, there were a lot of rules, and there were a lot of parameters. And sometimes it took a lot of work to make my experiences fit into this little God box. I feel like then I was religious and I was spiritual, and I feel like I now I am spiritual, but not necessarily religious. Because of that, I feel like I was able to let God out of this little box. That now my belief in God is so much bigger, and more complex, and nuanced, and all-encompassing. I know that that’s not the journey everyone has, but it’s something that I found a lot of hope in, and a lot of beauty, and a lot of meaning in.

Why did you choose to go to BYU?

Because my family was poor.

BYU and BYU Idaho, like the church schools, because they’re subsidized by tithing, it’s university education but with the price tag of community college. That means that it is sometimes the only option for a lot of families. I also had this sort of vision of all of these like, bright-faced, faithful, Mormon people, all together in one place and I was like a little alarmed when they were like individuals, but I also, for a lot of people this was also true of me, it’s just also expected—that if you are going to go to college and you are LDS, then you’re going to go to college at a church school. So it kind of never really was a question of going anywhere else.

What is something you wish you’d learned sooner?

Sometimes there’s so much of a focus on the doctrine and on the atonement being the one giant thing that can solve everything, but God also gave us attachment theory and internal family systems theory and all of these other things to help us understand each other and ourselves and to heal and to grow. And students don’t need support groups to help them to stop being gay. Students need to be told that they are loved and valued for who they are no matter what.

How did being queer at BYU affect your health?

There are a couple issues. One of them is that there are not enough recourses for the number of students who need them. If you need to see a counselor, there’s often quite a waiting list. Sometimes you may not even be able to see a counselor that semester. So that was one of my problems that like, when I went in to see a therapist, because I was dealing with a lot of feelings of anxiety and depression, I couldn’t see one for like two months, I think. When I was able to see a therapist there, I saw a couple of different therapists, and some of the things that they told me did further damage. I think if therapists are not offering true support and true comfort and healing, it’s going to do more harm than good.

Advice for current BYU students?

You are okay. You are wonderful. It might feel really lonely and like you’re the only one who has ever felt this way, but you’re not, I promise.

There are a lot of other folks out there who have gone through the same experiences and who are here waiting to catch you. And whatever choices that you make, whether it is to walk the hard line of Mormon doctrine, or to be like, “Done here. I’m going to be like out, loud, proud, queer as possible.” Whichever you choose, there are thousands of people waiting with open arms to welcome you. You will find the place where you belong by being yourself. And it takes a lot of courage, but there are so many people to help you along that path.

Answers to the questions are transcribed from Liz’s video interview and lightly edited for clarity. The transcription does not cover the entire video.

Posted January 2022