Kelli P

PHILOSOPHY (‘87–‘93)

What was your experience like at BYU?

BYU was a hard time of my life because it was right after when I realized I was trans. I realized I was trans when I just got back from my mission. Like within a week or two weeks, I had this experience that was almost an epiphany where I realized I was trans and I thought about it that night, thinking about transitioning, even though that was not something people were doing in 1990, at least not that I know of.

What was life like after BYU?

I pushed down being trans, repressed it. I got married in the temple while I was at BYU to a heterosexual woman who, you know, if she had known that, it wouldn’t have happened, but I was hiding it from everybody and consciously, like I know this is who I am, but I did not feel at all safe to come out. In fact, I kind of felt bad about myself because of the images in the media back then of trans women.

What was a positive experience you had at BYU?

One of my really pleasant experiences was interviewing Cecilia Farr when they basically denied her tenure for coming out as pro choice. She had been vocal about it, wrote an editorial. And then they said, “Oh well, your publications aren’t enough. We’re not gonna give you continuing status.”

And so I interviewed her for the Student Review and that was a good experience. It was a good experience to be involved in the activist groups on campus. I met a lot of really cool feminists back in the 90s like Margaret Toscano who’s continued to be a friend to this day.

What mental health issues did you struggle with at BYU?

I had bad depression. I was also having dysphoria and didn’t know what it was. I didn’t understand that. And it was hard to cope with it because I wanted long hair and I was at BYU. And yeah, I had pretty bad depression then. So that’s what I would say is depression. In fact, I started on Prozac when I was at BYU. And I’ve been on antidepressants since then.

What is some advice you would have for current queer BYU students?

Giving advice is so hard. I might say don’t be afraid to be yourself. Don’t wait to be happy.

Answers to the questions are transcribed from Kelli’s video interview and lightly edited for clarity. The transcription does not cover the entire video.

Posted June 2021