Connor W

Attended, Advertising (‘15–‘18), Transferred to U of U

Why did you go to BYU?

I applied to BYU before I went on a mission. I applied in high school. I actually wanted to go to the U first, but my family kind of pressured me (I don’t think it was a bad type of pressure) to go to BYU first. I don’t really know why I decided. I think that why I was on my mission, I got super into being a Mormon and stuff and so it seemed like a more safe thing to do. And a lot of my friends were choosing to go there. I’m from Highland, Utah, and so a lot of my friends were in the area, so I didn’t use college as a way to try to connect with people and stuff.

Even though BYU was kind of fun the first year, I did start to feel like it was a very different culture than what I expected. I felt like I was super Mormon. I was like a golden boy. I worked in the MTC. I was an assistant on my mission. I was like the perfect Mormon, so when I first went to BYU, I was like, “Yes, this is the place for me.” And then some of that glow started to come off of me, and I started to think, “Oh, this place is really intense.” I do think BYU is a good school. I definitely have my gripes about it, but BYU is for a certain type that thrives at BYU. And I usually see that type is the first person to say things like, “Well, if you don’t like BYU, just go to a different school.” It’s those people who have never had their identity challenged at BYU, I feel, and so that’s why it is such a great opportunity for those people. But for the people at BYU who have their identity challenged, it starts to become a painful experience.

What was a defining experience for you from your time at BYU?

I started working at the MTC in July of 2015. Kind of a dream job, honestly. I was an English-speaking teacher. It was really hard to get that spot. There were tons of applicants. I was a little bit surprised that I got it, honestly. So, when I started doing that, I was like, “Yes, I can’t believe I’m at BYU. I’m teaching at the MTC. I’m doing everything that everyone wants to do.”

As my time at the MTC progressed, I started to question my sexuality. It’s something I had questioned before my mission, but to be honest, everyone has their different experiences. I wasn’t the type that knew I was gay in elementary school or knew I was gay in high school. It’s actually something I didn’t think about a lot. Even on my mission, I didn’t think a lot about my sexuality. I knew that there was probably something there, but I didn’t really consider it a lot.

So, while I was at the MTC, I started to explore my sexuality more. Started to do some of those things in secret that a lot of us do to try to understand who we are and stuff. But the interesting thing about the MTC is you have to have a temple recommend to work there. It’s a very intense environment. People think having your schooling and your spirituality is intense. It adds a whole new layer when your schooling, your spirituality, and your employment are all tied together. There’s a lot of pressure there to perform and to keep yourself “worthy,” which is a concept that I have changed my definition on.

So, while I was at the MTC, to be totally frank, I was breaking “commandments.” And so, I’m really grateful for that process because as I broke commandments and did things that others would view as making myself “unworthy,” I was thriving at the MTC. We would get reviews after every group. I would always have glowing reviews from my missionaries. I even got voted favorite co-worker at Christmas time. Underneath all of this, I was not living the standards the MTC or the Church expected me to live in order to be working there.

And so, when you’re exploring those secretive things, there is a certain amount of shame involved. But, I found a lot of strength and peace in realizing that God can work through me no matter who I am or what I’m doing. And that’s something that really strengthened inside of me at the MTC.

I realized it doesn’t matter if I’m gay, it doesn’t matter who I love, I can show up to work and I can have God work through me to bless other people’s lives. That was something that had started on my mission—realizing that God loves all of us. And it was really cemented at the MTC. That I am gay, I am acting on my gayness, and God is still working through me in big ways. And so, it was those experiences at the MTC while I was at BYU that taught me that I can be whoever I am and I can carry my spirituality with me. It’s not something I need to separate myself from when I leave BYU.

What is your current relationship with the Church?

I did end up leaving the Church and I did formally remove my records from the Church. It was something that I had to do. I understand that some people don’t care about this as much, but it was really liberating thing for me because I wanted to feel like I could build myself and stay connected to God without any of those little ties there.

When I first left the Church, it was a little bit hard because when you’re so far in one direction, I think it’s common for a lot of us to swing the other way. And there is a grieving period when you leave the Church, and there was a time when I was really angry and anything associated with Mormonism, I felt angry about and didn’t want to do anything with it. It felt oppressive. Like, “Ugh, that was another thing they wanted me to do. I don’t want to do that.”

But, what I had to realize is that the LDS Church does not own the patent on charity, on service, on loving people, on praying, on meditation—all these different things, they don’t own that. And so, I get to carry that with me when I leave.

How do you define your spirituality?

I like to consider myself spiritually independent. I have a very strong spiritual life. I don’t associate myself with any church. I’m still considering a couple things. I’m not totally sure who Jesus Christ is or what he means to me. That’s something I get to figure out—if I even believe in that or not. If I do choose to believe in him, it would be in a way that I know he accepts me for me and not in spite of the things that I am. I think that’s a big thing that we need to change in the way we talk about gay people in Utah. We should remove language like “I love you even though you’re gay.” I want to hear “I love you because you’re gay.” And all the other great things about me. I love you because you’re a good son. You’re a good friend. You’re talented at work. Or anything of those types of things. We all have a big, dynamic identity that we try to develop in our lives.

Now I’m at a point where I’m really grateful that I grew up religiously. The reason why I’m grateful is because even though there were oppressive things—and I wish I could change that. I don’t condone that—but I’m glad that I was taught how to connect with God. And I’m glad I went on a mission and was able to discover him in a very isolated way. I served my mission in Montana and Wyoming. I’m grateful that after leaving all of that, I’m able to stand on my own, without anyone else, without a bishop, without a missionary companion, and I know how to connect to God. And I know what that feels like for me.

I love to pray. I love to meditate. I love to study things that build up my standards and my morals. And I love knowing that they’re for me and they’re not coming from a church that oppressed me for my identity. If that makes sense. I love knowing that I get to partake in those things without any of them involved. And I mean that in a kind way because it’s important for the queer community to realize that we get to partake in any part of spirituality that we’d like to. There doesn’t have to be a cognitive dissonance there if we do it in certain ways and the LGBT people are some of the most spiritual people I’ve ever met because we’ve really had to consider our identities before. And to paint LGBT people as heathens or people that don’t consider their connection to God or an afterlife—that’s not correct. And that’s not an idea we should be perpetuating.

Advice for incoming BYU students?

My advice for people at BYU. You know, everyone has their own life path. I chose to transfer, and that’s what worked for me. And I have friends who decided to stay and graduate, and I think it’s important that we let people do what they need to do. For those who do transfer, I want to say that it’s totally possible. I know it seems insurmountable at times. I only had two semesters left, and I thought, “Oh my gosh. Do I stay and graduate or do I get out of here, right?” It started to feel like a time bomb. I’m doing all this secretive stuff, the honor code is going to find out any day, I’m still at the MTC—there were so many things that were working against me. But, it’s totally possible. There are more resources than ever before. Reach out to people you know, and just know that there’s a whole world outside of BYU, even in Utah. All I did was move to Salt Lake, but my life totally did a 180 when I moved up here.

Answers to the questions are transcribed from Connor’s video interview and lightly edited for clarity. The transcription does not cover the entire video.

Posted October 2021