Celeste N

Attended BYU, Nursing (‘06–‘08)

Why did you choose to go to BYU?

I come from a small town. Mormons in my town were known as the oddballs. I didn’t feel comfortable with being my entire self at school, and so when I was still in high school, I went to a program called SOAR for multicultural students. I think it was that environment that made me want to go to BYU. All these other kids with similar backgrounds with me—when we all came together, it was this really good energy. I think I wanted to find that kind of space and re-create that. So, I looked for it at BYU, wanting to go there. I wanted to make my mom proud, and I feel that was a way to do it. So, really, when it came down to it, BYU was the only school I applied to, and I happened to get in.

What was your experience like at BYU?

The first year was really good. I was trying to get out of my shell. I was a shy, quiet person. I really enjoyed the classes that I took and the things that I learned. I’m big on learning and I loved the environment that it gave me for learning. But other than being in those learning spaces, I didn’t really find spaces for me to fit in. And I was trying desperately to find some way I could fit in.

Did you experience any mental health issues while at BYU?

While I was at BYU, it was still . . . I really couldn’t come to terms with the fact that this could be a possibility that I could be LGBTQ+. And I didn’t want to deal with it at the time, and so it got pushed back a lot. So, my mental health in that state—I feel like I would’ve been better off going to therapy and starting therapy back then. But I pushed it off so much because I told myself that it didn’t really matter that much. But when it came down to it, it did. And I think even though I’m in a really healthy mental state now, putting that part of my self in the front and working on that for my self.

Why did you transfer from BYU?

There are a lot of factors that went into it. One of which was at the time other schools had a little bit better nursing program. But another one was BYU gave me a space to hold my Mormon identity, but I didn’t have space to hold my queer identity.

How has your mentality change from transferring to now?

I think the biggest thing is that when I was a student at BYU I didn’t feel like it was okay to be lesbian. I fell in love with my best friend; we fell in love with each other. And neither of us knew how to navigate that. We tried really hard for a long time to just be friends, and it didn’t work. We eventually decided to get into a relationship and we’re now married and have been married for five years.

What helped you pursue a relationship with this person?

I think it was the fact that we fit so well together. We were instant best friends, and both of us wanted more than friendship, but we didn’t know how to handle that. It was a lot of back and forth, and it wasn’t until three or four years after leaving BYU that I finally accepted my queer identity and that I was comfortable with who I was but not necessarily comfortable being out.

I was in the closet for a really long time even after leaving BYU. Part of that is because I was still in Utah. We eventually got to a moment when we had to find a place to be ourselves outside of our house. We would put on these masks as soon as we left our house, and it was hard to figure that part out. When I was finally comfortable with being out to people—that was a really long process in itself—it was people who I felt I needed to be out to first, and then slowly became people who I knew would accept who I was regardless.

And now I feel so comfortable with being a lesbian that I’m okay saying it to someone at the grocery store. Just like sliding it into conversation, like “Oh, me and my wife,” just to let people know that we are out there. We exist. And we don’t need to be ashamed of ourselves. I think I was ashamed of myself for a long time and now I’m at a point where I’m not and it feels so much better. Life is so much better.

What was life like after BYU?

It was a little bit of a rough time because it was during the time when I was just understanding my queer identity and it took me a long time to be okay with that. Just after leaving BYU, it was a little bit rough in the sense of I stopped going to church at that point, I lost a sense of community in that way, but after living life and figuring things out, I’m in a much better place in life now.

What has your spiritual journey been like?

I grew up in the LDS Church and that was one of the reasons I made the decision to go to BYU initially. Because I grew up in a really small town, there weren’t many at school who were LDS, and I was ready to explore that space in which I could be my Mormon identity. I identified as Mormon even a few years after I left BYU, and I went through a faith transition. I didn’t know how to reconcile these two worlds that I was trying to juggle and balance. It finally got to a point when it was too much for me and I decided it was healthier for me to go with my queer identity. Now I would say that I’m more of a spiritual person than a religious person.

Do you have any advice for current queer students at BYU?

I think the biggest thing that I would’ve wanted to hear from someone is that “You matter.” I think when you go through life you get to a point that you just have to accept yourself and love yoruself. If you’re not at that point yet, you can get there. Along the way, you’ll find people how love and accept you. Your mental health matters. It’s okay to go to therapy. It’s okay to talke to someone. It’s okay to not be sure how to navigate this. There’s so many of us who didn’t know how and we got through it somehow.

Answers to the questions are transcribed from Celeste’s video interview and lightly edited for clarity. The transcription does not cover the entire video.

Posted October 2021