Anne and alana

Alana: BYU, Public Health (‘17)

Anne: BYU-Idaho, Horticulture (‘15)

Why did you choose to go to BYU?

Alana: I didn’t want to go to BYU. I don’t know why I went to BYU. At the time, I’m the oldest of three kids, so not a bunch of kids, but I was the oldest, and my parents were both “half BYU-H/half BYU.” They were those folks who would go to Hawaii when it was cold, and then come here in the fall. They loved BYU a lot, and I loved BYU growing up. But I was afraid to be surrounded by Molly Mormons and Peter Priesthoods. But, I prayed about it, and I had a bunch of options of schools, and I felt like that was what I was supposed to do. And whether or not there’s destiny or fate—I don’t really necessarily believe in that—but I think that it all worked out the way it was supposed to. I’m grateful for the people that I met. But, yeah, I definitely didn’t want to go to BYU at first. But I knew I’d get a good education there and that I would be—I thought I would be safe. And I was in a lot of ways, and then I wasn’t in some other ways. But for anyone else, it’s a pretty safe school, and fun.

Anne: I think I went to BYU-Idaho mostly just for practical reasons. I wasn’t a great student in high school, and it’s an affordable place to go to school. I knew that my parents would approve of me going to school there. So, yeah, I didn’t rule out other options to go to BYU-Idaho. It was where I could go.

What was your experience like as a queer student?

Alana: My BYU life was interesting because I came out to myself and to close family and friends halfway through my schooling. I had been at BYU a couple years, went on a mission, and then came back. The last couple years at BYU were a completely different experience than my first two years. But I basically felt like I lived a double life those last two years. I buckled down and tried to get my degree. I stayed close with the friends that I had who I knew I could trust. But I didn’t really try to make a lot of friends. And I hopped from ward to ward so I wouldn’t be very trackable. It was a weird time. BYU felt like another world, it’s like a bubble, and it was hard and lonely and it felt like I was just in survival mode a lot. Great education, no doubt.

Anne: I had a pretty good experience at BYU-Idaho. I really loved my program and my professors and everything like that. I had a lot of fun with roommates. I didn’t really realize I was gay until my last year of school. I tried really hard to date guys. And the dating scene at BYU-Idaho is weird anyway. But, I was engaged to a man my junior year. Really great guy, we got along great, but it wasn’t until I was engaged to him that I really had to come out to myself because I knew I couldn’t go through with that marriage. So, I broke off that engagement and slowly started coming out in the ways that I could. I think I probably only told two or three roommates. I went to a couple of USGA meetings at BYU-Idaho. But, really, at the time, there was not much in the way of queer community at BYU-Idaho. So, I couldn’t really come out in any realistic way. But overall, it was okay. But mostly because it took me so long to realize I was gay.

How was your mission experience?

Anne: Served my mission in Arizona. It was good. I feel like my mission was positive. Probably because I felt like I was doing good and there was a lot of community in a mission. I really didn’t have a negative experience there.

Alana: I had an interesting mission. I served in Virginia, near DC, speaking Spanish. I think I had a little bit of pride at the beginning. I was upset that I had gotten called state side. In retrospect, I’m glad that I did. I was a stellar missionary. I really kicked butt out there. And then, towards the end, I ended up coming home a few months early because I got really bad anxiety and depression, which had never happened to me before. Afterwards, as I processed that more, I realized that it was all pretty tied to my sexuality. I loved my mission and I hated my mission. It was the best of times and it was the worst of times. I think I said, “It’s like a taste of heaven and a taste of hell,” because I think by the end of my mission, when I wasn’t so worried about the numbers and the particulars, and the particulars of the Church, and I was just meeting people and serving people and being in people’s homes, making tortillas, that became my favorite thing. Above anything, I just gained more empathy on my mission because I realized that there isn’t one perfect way to live life, and how could we insist that we have the one source of happiness. That didn’t compute. I think that helped me after my mission and when I came out to realize that I could be happy and I could be good—I can be just as good of a person and not necessarily be in this church. My mission was definitely complicated and hard sometimes, but I’m so grateful for the people I met and the things I learned—how to love people who are different than me.

What kind of mental health issues did you face while attending BYU?

Alana: I had a lot of leftover anxiety from my mission, for sure. From coming out. Because by the time I went back to BYU, I had kind of come out to myself and some close friends and family, to varying degrees of acceptance. And with that comes a whole slew of anxiety because you just question if you’ve ever been enough and if you’re enough now because this is not—if you’ve spent your whole life being taught something, it’s very hard to unlearn that. Especially if it’s something about yourself. I still definitely struggle with anxiety and depression, and not just because of COVID. Just because it’s hard to navigate the world when you don’t have the same guidelines that you don’t have before.

Anne: And the same support system you had before.

Alana: And the same support system. I think that has been really, really huge, and hard. Because that really takes a toll on you when you don’t have support and you don’t have safe space and people you can be authentic around. Especially when it’s the people you love the most who can’t quite be what you want them to be. It’s definitely hard—the anxiety is real—there’s definitely some struggles with it. I’m very grateful to be with a partner who’s very understanding of that and I feel really hopeful about the future. I feel good about—I know where my lowest lows have been and my highest highs. And I’m glad that I still have a whole life to live, and know that I have things to enjoy.

Anne: I definitely dealt with anxiety and depression at different times as a student at BYU-Idaho. I think that I experienced a lot of isolation. Certainly related to my queerness, but I didn’t always know it at the time. It was not always fitting in, and not completely understanding why. BYU-Idaho, and probably BYU, has really sort of competitive dynamics. Everyone is trying to get married. That’s what everyone always says, but it’s true. There’s so much pressure in that way: to be making all of the same steps that everyone else seems to be making. Everyone is getting engaged and that seems to be the most important thing that you can be doing. And it wasn’t working for me. That was tough. I did see a therapist at the counseling center at BYU-Idaho, and I feel like I was one of the lucky ones because my therapist happened to be this really, really awesome woman, and she said the right things I needed to hear at that time. So I’m really grateful for that because I definitely needed some guidance and some reassurance. She was probably one of four people I came out to when I was at BYU-Idaho, and just having that place where I could be myself. Even though, at the time, it was something I felt a lot of shame about, and I felt it was something I was trying to fix and overcome.

What was your experience after leaving BYU?

Alana: I’ve gone through a lot of therapy. I love that. I think everyone should have a therapist, just to figure out what’s going on in my own head. I think I had to unlearn that survival mode and realize that I was free. I definitely cried the day I graduated because it was symbolic of being able to live more authentically. Since then, I graduated and haven’t looked back. I’ve gotten a job—had a couple jobs. And have started dating someone that I love. It’s exciting and scary to be able to view the world with a completely different lens after leaving BYU. But knowing that those experiences were important and integral to who I am.

Anne: When I graduated, I didn’t really know what I was going to do as far as dating woman or not. And so, I think I took six months to try to continue to go to church and figure out if I could live the life my parents wanted me to. It was terrible, and I was miserable. I came out to my parents about six months after I graduated BYU-Idaho. But, after that, I feel like I was able to let go of a lot pretty easily. It took me a long time to figure out I was gay, but once I did, it was an easy choice to make because it just felt right and good, the way I wanted to live my life.

How did you two meet?

Alana: We actually met at a support group for gay LDS women. It wasn’t through an organization. Something informal, with a PhD student through BYU.

Anne: Yeah, she was a student at BYU at the time.

Alana: Yeah, she had just graduated, and I was still in school, and had a big crush on her in the support group and never told her.

Anne: She’s going to see this video.

Alana: Years went by, the timing wasn’t right then, then we bumped into each other again . . .

Anne: Yeah, four years later we bumped into each other again at a one-man show playing in Salt Lake called “In Good Standing.” It was really good. It was about a man coming out.

Alana: And going through his …

Both: Disciplinary council.

Alana: Wherein he gets excommunicated. It was a great play, but we just both happened to be there by ourselves. It was a last-second decision, and as soon as I found out she was single, I was like, “Sweet. Now is the time.”

Anne: That was two years ago.

What advice would you give to current queer BYU students?

Alana: I would say that you’re not alone. That was a huge thing. Not knowing that many other queer students at the time that I was there was not really feeling like I fit in at USGA or whatever. It was the same thing. I went to some different activities and couldn’t quite find my spot, and was also trying to lay low. You’re not alone. There is life after BYU. And there’s life during BYU. That would be my advice. Live your life as much as you can while you’re still at BYU. Things don’t have to be on pause. You can still grow as a person and plan what you’re going to do for the rest of your life during that time. No ones experience is the same and you don’t have to fit that BYU mold. Find a good friend you can trust, hang on for dear life. I think it’s awesome how there are more resources now. But there are lots of really cool things now—Encircle. Take advantage of those resources. Reach out to anyone who you might know. We are cheering on all the LGBTQ+ BYU students.

Anne: I think you gave all the good advice. Find people you can trust to be yourself with. Don’t feel pressure to come out to people because it’s definitely not safe for everyone. Everyone has unique home situations. There is a sort of pressure to come out and be authentic for the good of the community because coming out makes it easier for other people to come out. But you have to do what’s right for you, and you have to be safe. Sometimes it’s not practical to leave BYU, and sometimes coming out forces you to do that. In the ways that you can, coming out feels great, and is important when the time is right.

Answers to the questions are transcribed from Anne and Alana’s video interview and lightly edited for clarity. The transcription does not cover the entire video.

Posted October 2021